Spite

If I ever do attempt suicide, I’d like to see God stop me. Knowing my luck, He would stand by and watch. Just out of spite.

Graveyard Night

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Lost in Dreams

The other night I had a dream where I was in a house complete with a maze of endless halls. And even though I ran through the house, trying desperately to find my way out, I could hear myself say, “it’s not enough! No matter what I do, it’s never enough!”

Graveyard Night

Hellhound Pt 2

The graveyard is a bleak and desolate landscape. Only the bravest, or the most foolish, tread here. It is like the land is constantly overcast with a pall of sadness. My hellhound eventually returned. But not before laying his seed in the belly of some bitch down the road. They will have some god awful offspring, I tell you.

I am safe from the vampires. At least, for the time being. I see them lurking in the woods beyond.

I had thought this medicine would help me, but I was wrong. It’s hard to cure what ails you when nothing changes for the better.

I’ve been wondering here lately where my faith has gone. It used to be so strong. Now…I couldn’t even tell you if I had faith at all. Funny how that works. Like a child’s innocence, faith slowly erodes away.

You begin to ask yourself: is there a point to life and all this shit I’m going through? I am on the fence when it comes to believing that everything happens for a reason and shit happens. If the meaning of life is growing old and tender to the point we can’t wipe our own asses, then what’s the point? Working in a nursing home will do that to your perspective.

If everything happens for a reason, then does that mean my sins and mistakes happen for a specific cause? And whose reason is it? Man’s or God’s?

If you believe in God, or a higher power, then must believe that if not all, then some things happen for a reason. But what if we are nothing more than figments of God’s imagination? With the creation and eventual fall of man, God showed his love by destroying the wicked several times, and at the appropriate time, sent his son to die in my place.

I have to wonder if God can love me that much. I’m a major pain in the ass!

Want to know what I would have done? I would have destroyed mankind, locked Satan in the cellar and started over, fresh and clean. Want to know my theory? I believe mankind was created on a bet between God and Satan. Think I’m wrong? Read the book Job.

It’s incredibly easy for your thoughts to run away out here. Most days, I can hear my watch ticking a mile away; like the beating of my own heart. A gust of wind sweeps across the ground; snow and leaves mix together and swirl around the headstones.

Night is falling and the monsters are coming out. And I am going inside!

Graveyard Night

Life

I don’t know about life anymore. Up one day, down the next, go to sleep and wake up to repeat a vicious cycle. Is there such a thing as destiny? Or is that something movies and television like to sell?

Right now, as I type this, my oldest is having a meltdown because I wouldn’t let him climb on the countertop. I was in a good mood this morning until my wife started feeling sorry for herself. I sent her fat ass to the gym.

Last week, she discovered the affair I’ve been having. That was a fun day, I’ll tell you. I may talk more about it in a later post.

Went and got our Christmas tree yesterday. And I have to wonder for what. So it can take up space in the living room? So my boys can fuck with the branches and pull the tree over? My wife always wants to decorate in October, but when it comes time for having a joyous Christmas spirit, it’s like coming face-to-face with the Grinch himself.

Fuck my life!

Christmas hasn’t been the same since I was a kid. That old nostalgia has moved on down the road.

I’m tired of being the subject of my wife’s unhappiness. If I sit apart from her in the living room, I get my ass chewed. If I text a friend of mine, I get my ass chewed because that’s time, energy and attention I could be giving to her. I’ve been conditioned to believe that everything I’m doing is wrong!

Women are attention whores!

A couple of weeks ago, my oldest son was having a bad morning. He can’t verbalize how he feels, so what do you think he’s gonna do to say he doesn’t want to go to school? He’s going to act out physically! My wife, in all her wisdom, tells him not to be a dick!

Really? You’re going to tell an autistic child “don’t be a dick”? I told her she doesn’t need to be saying that sort of stuff to him. He’s autistic! And the response I received was, “I can tell you’re gonna be an ass today!”

See what I mean? Same vicious cycle!

Shaking my god damn head!

Graveyard Night

A Little Late in Coming

Today is so bleak, so drab, so somber. If I wasn’t wanting to hang myself from a balcony or blow my brains out, I believe I’d sit somewhere and stare aimlessly out the window. That is, of course, depending on whether or not I can be left alone long enough to do it.

The Lexapro I’m on seemed to be helping at first, but now? Now I’m not so sure. I don’t know if it’s the weather, the medicine, or both, but fuck! I feel like strangling myself today.

It’s difficult to concentrate, to get my thoughts out. My writing style, I think, definitely has changed.

You know, I’ve been thinking about this for a while: I’m convinced that I will never have anything nice in life. The nicest thing that I have is my car. And the fucking bumper has been wrecked twice!

On Halloween, we took our boys trick or treating, and one of the neighborhoods we hit up was the wealthy neighborhood. You would think that more of them open their homes to trick or treating, but they don’t. Be that as it may, it didn’t prevent me from becoming envious of what these people had.

I’m sure these people have worked hard for what they have and I would hope they wouldn’t look down on me. About the only major appliances that I have owned were a washer and dryer. That’s it! Each and every single stove that apartment complexes have provided have been nothing but pieces of shit!

Ugh. I’m rambling. You must forgive me.

I think I’m gonna stop right there. I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Graveyard Night

Loser Today

I feel like a loser today. Restless and ill content. I could say that I don’t know what the culprit is; I could be like a woman and talk around the issue, but I won’t. I downloaded a shit ton of porn yesterday.

It happens every time.

How many men do you know of that have piles of porn magazines or X-rated movies say they don’t like it? I hope I’m not in the minority.

Just as cocaine and alcohol are damaging to the body, porn is damaging to the mind. I know this. And yet, I feel powerless to stop it.

If I go cold Turkey on porn, I am driven to madness hearing the erotic moans and the leg and feet placement of a woman getting fucked. It haunts my mind in the waking hours.

Any man who hasn’t dealt with the addiction to pornography better consider themselves blessed.

It’s maddening!

Graveyard Night

Hellhound

A hollow wind blows through the graveyard. My hellhound is missing! I stand amongst the gray, decaying markers, and whistle and call his name. But nothing. No bark. Not even a whimper.

First, my caretaker! Now my hellhound!

He was an old man with a balding head and curved back. Vietnam veteran. ‘Fraid of nothing because he had already seen the worst that mankind had to offer.

I told him what lurks in the woods beyond, stay on the grounds, and keep my hound fed. Seems like he didn’t listen. I must have looked like Van Helsing marching into those woods to find his body.

A Van Helsing, I can assure you, I am not. I found his body down by Shadow Creek. Its waters run black with the souls of the damned. He had puncture marks all over his body.

His body was-what’s that word I’m looking for?-exsanguinated? He was a bit lighter than I expected as I carried him back to burn him. From the midst of the woods, I could feel eyes upon me, twigs and branches broke behind me.

But I didn’t dare look back! No! Never look back! The moment that you look back is the moment they have you! Haven’t you seen all the horror flicks?!

So, here I am! Sweat drying on my brow from standing beside the incinerator. Have you ever caught the scent of burning flesh? It’s the most God-awful, pungent odor imaginable. It’s especially worse when you’re burning a vampire!

My incinerator is in the basement. A vent sucks out all the ashes and spews them into the atmosphere. I haven’t used it in a long, long time. For vampires, that is.

As I carried the old man down the steps, I knew my time was short. His body was twitching, and not in concert with my steps. Laying him on a steel cart, I sprinkled his body with holy water. Nothing. That’s another myth I’m not sure about.

I grabbed a heavy chain, hooked it to a loop and began to criss-cross it down his body. My heart was thumping in my chest. Outside, light was fading and I could see his muscles convulsing! No doubt he could hear the beat of my heart.

Just as I was about to send the chain through the last loop, his right arm broke the chain! I cried out in terror! His skin was a grotesque white and I could see every vein in his body. The old man sat up on the cart, his back straightened by death!

Eyes as black as my heart stared back at me. His lips were curled back, revealing two four-inch fangs, and on the inside of those close to his incisors, shorter fangs, but just as deadly. His guttural hissing echoed off the walls!

I stumbled backwards, clutching the wall for a machete I knew was there. Each limb in my body felt like lead, and his demonic chuckle froze my heart. With just a flash, just a whir, he swiped at me with his right hand. Pain stung my left cheek and blood oozed between my fingers.

“I can hear your heart, boss! You’re terrified! They’re coming for you! All of them! Where is your hound now?!”

One ring of the chain after another broke. The sound of his disembodied voice chilled my bones. Suddenly, my right hand clutched the worn, wooden handle of the machete. I yanked it off the wall, and with a wide arc, sent the homemade blade through arm! His shriek was horrifying and nearly deafened me!

A nub a few inches long flopped wildly. There was the small circle of bone and gray, decaying flesh. His mouth opened twice its size and he roared at me with all the fury of hell. Grasping the handle with both hands, I raised it high above my head and charged.

The blade, blessed by a priest, sunk into the middle of his chest with a hollow thump! He stared up at me with those black eyes. And for a moment, I sensed a minuscule portion of his humanity. But that’s foolish thinking, isn’t it? Black slime ran from his mouth and covered his chin.

All strength appeared to leave his body. With his limp left hand, he clutched at my shoulder. His nails, sharp as razors, rendered useless.

“I told you to stay out of those God damned woods!”

I drove him back down on the cart with a mighty heave. The scrape of my blade slicing through the slab was ear piercing. His body thrashed upon his deathbed as I wheeled him over to the furnace and shoved him in.

After several seconds, once the fire burned away the flesh, he became silent. I was drenched in sweat and the left side of my face burned. Blood covered my neck and shoulder. As I climbed my basement stairs to the outside world, I could hear the violent cry of the vampires.

They were angry! I killed one of their own kind; their creation. They had taken something from me, and I had taken it back. I evened the score.

They’re coming for you!

And still no sign of my hound. Without him, I don’t know how I will keep the vampires at bay.

Like I said, I’m no Van Helsing!

Graveyard Night