Deep Feelings

It’s been a long-standing debate between my wife and I about my ability to show emotion. In other words: she wants to see me cry. What is with women and wanting to see their men cry?

I wish I could cry. I wish I could cry at a moment’s notice, but I cannot. I tell her that I feel every emotion as deep as what she does, I just don’t express it in the way she does. And when I do express how I feel, she gets pissed at what I said. What’s the point? Most of my emotions get locked away in a secret vault.

I’m tired. I’m tired of being an adult. I’m tired of the constant stress and worry. I’m tired of always being on the defensive, of feeling like I have to explain everything I do. I’m tired of coveting what another man has, knowing that I will never come close.

I’m tired of expressing my feelings and it getting me no closer to healing. I’m tired of feeling like a failure.

I’m tired of hearing my wife talk about losing weight and it never happens. I’m tired of seeing good looking people walking along all smiles and everything is perfect. I wonder if attractive, physically fit couples have great sex lives?

People look at me and they see the son, the brother, the father and husband, the CNA-they look at me and they see all these things, but none of them knows the storm raging within me.



Offer A Woman

I trained a good looking girl tonight. She’s at least 17. Her sister works here PRN. Her sister is hot, too! I’m sure that if my wife had been a fly on the wall, she would have said that the girl was flirting with me, but I’m too dumb to realize it. And let’s think logically here. I’m 34 and this girl is maybe 18. What would an 18 year old want with a 34 year old man?
I wouldn’t have anything to offer her. I’ve already lived life. Listen to me…talking like she asked me to fuck her. But I guess that’s one of the things that keeps me where I am. I have to stand and look myself in the mirror and ask: what in the hell do I have to offer a woman?! I can’t think of anything.


My New Tattoo

Tattoos can be addictive. I think people who have a lot of unresolved emotional pain are most likely to be covered from head to toe in ink. I have three of them. And I don’t regret a single one.

I’m letting it heal for now. I go back at the end of the month to get it finished.

The scripture is from Psalm 22:19. “But be thou not far from me, O Lord; My strength, haste thee to help me.”

If you like the NIV better, it says: “But you, Lord, do not be far from me. You are my strength; come quickly to help me!”

My tattoo represents a constant battle with depression and despair; a beating heart of a man still alive and an exploding clock of a man who fears he has lost time.


Almost Justifiable

I have hoped upon the Lord until it has cost me my sanity. I’ve been a bit of a dick here lately and I guess this is me punishing myself.

Hope deferred makes a heart sick,

But a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12

Whipping myself with a set of keys from work. The last time I did this, it left welts and bruises so bad, I couldn’t lay on my back.