It’s been a long-standing debate between my wife and I about my ability to show emotion. In other words: she wants to see me cry. What is with women and wanting to see their men cry?
I wish I could cry. I wish I could cry at a moment’s notice, but I cannot. I tell her that I feel every emotion as deep as what she does, I just don’t express it in the way she does. And when I do express how I feel, she gets pissed at what I said. What’s the point? Most of my emotions get locked away in a secret vault.
I’m tired. I’m tired of being an adult. I’m tired of the constant stress and worry. I’m tired of always being on the defensive, of feeling like I have to explain everything I do. I’m tired of coveting what another man has, knowing that I will never come close.
I’m tired of expressing my feelings and it getting me no closer to healing. I’m tired of feeling like a failure.
I’m tired of hearing my wife talk about losing weight and it never happens. I’m tired of seeing good looking people walking along all smiles and everything is perfect. I wonder if attractive, physically fit couples have great sex lives?
People look at me and they see the son, the brother, the father and husband, the CNA-they look at me and they see all these things, but none of them knows the storm raging within me.