If my dad had lived, this year he would be 61 years old. So many things he missed and grandchildren named after him. I think of him every day. And I miss him all the more. I think my dad knew he was dying and I believe that he thought we would be better off without him.
I wish I could tell him how wrong he was.
You know, I like TD Jakes. A lot of people give him shit, but I figure that goes with the territory of being a mega-church pastor. But one thing he said in one of his sermons hits home to me; he said that if we look around, we will see plenty of old women, but not enough old men. Women outlive us by ten to fifteen years. And since we don’t have many old men, we don’t have men to chart the course for the younger generation.
I guess that’s the way that I feel. So many questions I’d like to ask my dad, but can’t. Did he feel lonely? Like a loser? A failure? Was it a shot to his self-esteem to struggle in providing for his family?
Is my porn addiction a crutch to supplement my Father Hunger?
One night, on my way home from work, I told God in prayer that I have no hope; I live from one day to the next. I told Him that it is easier to not hope for anything than it is to ask for something in His name and not get it. I’m trying to understand God, but the more I try to understand, the more I’m left confounded.
I’m trying to understand the difference between legalism and grace through faith. I’m trying to understand if Jesus said you will do greater things than what I have done, why aren’t people being healed? Why arent churches packed with people thirsting for God? Have we traded the Holy Spirit with ministries and inventions of man and flesh?
Anyway, back to my prayer. So in the midst of my prayer, I heard Hebrews 12:1! And I thought, yeah, right! I’ve thought I’ve heard God’s voice before and it wasn’t His. When I got home, I looked up the scripture and it is as follows:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame,and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
My instant thought was porn. But I’ve struggled with this crap with or without God. I have it on my phone. I can go days or weeks without watching it, but I find that I am incapable of letting it go. Am I too afraid to? Am I trying to hold onto something that I think I can control? Or am I just like any other addict and just filling a never ending hole with more junk?
About five years ago, I was in a church; possibly the most spirit filled that I have ever been in. However, God showed me beforehand what His power does to reveal people for what they really are. Anyway, one Sunday, I was pissed at God. I don’t know why, I just was. I hated God! And a woman got up and said that the Lord had spoken to her and told her that a child of mine is angry with Me; he is believing the lies of the enemy. The woman invited whoever it was to come down to the altar for prayer.
I never did.
Not long ago, I envisioned a similar scenario. I saw myself in a church, sitting close to the back. The congregation was a mixture of black and white. Suddenly, someone got up to speak and said that God told them that there was a man in their midst who was suicidal; a man who thought that his life had been a waste, that he was worthless and that God hated him. I saw myself sobbing in that seat and asking the person next to me for help in standing.
And as I thought about walking down that aisle, my eyes glued to the man who shed his blood on the cross, my heart in the real world began to pound in my chest. And as I saw myself standing at the altar and all of my sins laid bare, tears began rolling down my face.
Father Hunger! The same type of hunger that King David longed for. I long for the Father. But in my flesh, I am weak.