Strangled

I wrote this on August 14, on a night when I was feeling really low.

Depression persists

Suicidal thoughts return

The world is perfect

And yet it isn’t

– Graveyard Night

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Alternate Paths

When I was in chemistry class in high school (which wasn’t an easy class for me, by the way), we had a teacher that was easy to get distracted.  He should have been a college professor; he was that intelligent.
Anyway, one of his favorite topics to discuss was quantam physics-or, alternate/parallel universes.  By some stretch of his scientific wisdom and well beyond my capacity to understand, he explained that some scientists believe that there are multiple earths.  On some earths, Adolf Hitler may have won WWII; Al Gore may have won the 2000 election instead of George W. Bush.  So on and so forth.

While I believe it is foolish for mankind to search for other intelligent life and planets similar to ours, I am not so naive as to believe that we are the only ones in the universe.  After all, God has an imagination that far outweighs our capacity to fathom His greatness.

Here lately, some things have happened in my life that have me feeling like a little kid.  Earlier this year, I awoke to the sight of my wife holding and pointing my unloaded, .38 revolver at me.  When I opened my eyes, I was staring down the end of the barrel.

The gun was my father’s and was passed onto me when he died.  I vented about it to my mom, and a few days ago, word got back to my sister and brother-in-law.  They came and took the gun for my safety.  Not that I would believe that my wife would actually kill me, but her aunt did try to kill her husband twice.

Also, earlier this year, I dreamt that I was standing in front of a mirror, pointed the gun just under my chin and pulled the trigger.

While I tried to keep this event with my wife and the gun secret, it came to light, and she is going to counseling.  After all of ours problems, I don’t know that I am in love with my wife.  I certainly love her because she is the mother of my children, and I would give my life for her, but to say in love …..I don’t know.

Here lately, I have been thinking of that alternate universe.  Would there be a Graveyard Night?  Has he made better life choices than me?  Is he a blogger just like me?

Tonight, while I was laying down with my boys, I had a thought of me entertaining guests.  There I was, by myself.  With them.  Drinking wine on the front porch of a cool autumn’s evening.

I often look back on my life and think of the forks I came to in the middle of the road.  Where would I be had I chosen a different path?  Could this scene-this vision-have been of a Graveyard Night from another earth?

Speaking of wine, I need a refill.

Yours truly,

Graveyard Night

As Loud As It Will Go

​I posted this poem (or a variation of it) on my previous blog.  But it doesn’t make it any less relevant.

I wish that I could take hard rock music
Play it as loud as it will go
Drown out my thoughts
Drown out my sorrow

-Graveyard Night

Porno Pics for Wallpaper

Yesterday, I went to my sister’s house for a workout.  While I was there, my nephew showed me a large box of sports cards he had bought at a yard sale this past weekend.  They ranged from football to baseball, basketball and hockey.

Now, the woman he bought them off of told my sister that there were some cards of Hooters girls.  It didn’t take me long before I was rummaging through them, and what I found wasn’t Hooters girls, but flat out naked women.  My nephew kept his head turned and his eyes averted while I cherry picked the bad ones.

Here is an example of one:

In case you’re wondering-yes, I did take pics of some of the cards for the express purpose of using them as wallpaper on my phone.  Unfortunately, most of them did not turn out well.  On the way home, I threw the cards away.

I say that to say this.  When I was workinf third shift, I use to download pictures of naked women and use them as home screen wallpaper on my phone.  By the time I got home in the morning, I would have it changed back to my regular theme.

By far, two-well, three-of my favorite types of pics to search and save, were retro porn pics of women (you know, the ones where the woman’s pussy hair looks like it hadn’t been trimmed in a month), black women pics, and interracial sex pics; particularly, a black man fucking a white woman.
Since I left third shift, I hadn’t had a problem with this.  Until now.  Here recently I started it back up, and even though I am working around a lot more people, I still set a nude pic as my wallpaper.  What happens if I get caught?

So, last night and today, I have been searching pictures of 90’s era women, and have downloaded about ten.  Here’s an example.

Courtesy of Playboy

Why do I do this?  I know that I am not going to use all these pics as my wallpaper, so why do it?  I am a conundrum, even to myself.

Graveyard Night

Impulsive Kisser

Have you ever met someone that, for whatever reason, you were drawn to them?  You were drawn to them sexually, romantically (if sexually and romantically are not the same things), and-I guess-there was still another component that drew you to them.  That last one is difficult to put a finger on.

When fate decides to grace you with her presence, there’s a certain pep in your step, your heart flutters, and God forbid you bust an erection in front of her.

The woman I am talking about is eighteen to my thirty-two.  She’s about my height, dark skinned, and has one of the most sweetest, kindest smiles I have ever seen.  Around strangers, or at least those who don’t know me well, I am pretty good at hiding my depression and what-not.  But I wonder if I am very crafty at hiding the raging emotions I experience everytime she is around?

I think she likes.  Well, she at least says she likes working with me; which isn’t all that often.  But when she does, I get lost in her dark, nearly black eyes.  She walks close to me whenever we walk side-by-side, and I have to fight with everything I have to not pull her close to me and see where my actions take us.

But this is all fantasy.  Or, is it…

Graveyard Night